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Subject: Hippie Watching – Please do not send further mailing

From: John English

Hello,
I got a packet in the mail today which, with the jaded review guide to “Hippie Watching.” This was unsolicited, and having looked through it, is certainly unwanted. The whole thing is shallow at best and offensive at worst. Please don’t waste any more paper or time and do not mail me anything ever again.
Thanks,

John English
1777 Grape Ave
Boulder, CO 80304

Here is our response to Johns charming letter.

re: Subject: Hippie Watching – Please do not send further mailing

From: Kris Northern

John,
As the 10,000th person to email me allow me to congratulate you on winning a lifetime subscription to the Jaded Reviews full line of products! No sooner than you can roll up a fatty will you find yourself up to your ears in all the hippie watching you can handle. We appreciate your eco-friendliness in pre-providing your address so we don’t have to waste precious electrons in unnecessary emails. The trees thank you in wordless whispers.

We here at the Jaded Review would like to offer you our much sought after patchouli drenched gift basket as a small token of our appreciation for your unwavering support. The basket features a clumsily woven and unstable mishmash of branches sourced locally from the nearest barter faire where I traded it for an unskilled and ultimately unsatisfactory backrub. (score!)

It is loaded with trinkets including such wonders as: Soap on a Rope molded to look like a gem wrap, a five gallon Costco sized bucket of Egyptian Goddess musk,  and finally… your very own Wook Delousing kit complete with applicator and hair clump remover.

This 43 pound package will be delivered right to your doorstep where we kindly request that you promptly pay the COD charges. I’m sure you understand that our extensive outreach program geared towards sending unsolicited unwated guides to the humorless denizens of the world (starting with Grape Ave in Colorado) has all but drained our coffers.

Once again we cannot state enough how much your support means to us
and thank you again for your subscription renewal.

Kris
The Jaded Review

A: Absolutely NOT! A true vegan would never sacrifice his/her principles for a momentary sweet tooth craving. It takes honeybees a whole summer of toiling; of forced indentured servitude, or if we can be honest for a moment, SLAVERY to produce one teaspoon of honey.

Some people view this as a grey area in veganism, those who hold this view aren’t counted among the true vegans.

Furthermore, when you prepare your broccoli, you need to take a good 30 minutes breaking it apart and making sure there are absolutely NO living things left on the stalks. If you start with aphids, where do you draw the line!?!? You say you don’t eat anything that has a face but mealybugs have eyes. Would you want to look them in the eyes as your teeth pulverize their soft helpless bodies?

A plea to vegetarians: I know you are generally ignorant of the amount of harm your diet inflicts upon the planet but please hear me out. Consider changing your diet from consisting mainly of murder and death to a more natural, raw and healthy diet. Ask yourself: Are you the sort of person who would press the button to drop the bomb on Hiroshima?
Then why do you eat yogurt?
is killing millions of organism at once ok with you?
Are you that sort of person?

Do you want to carry the guilt of Auswitch in your stomache? Is that worth the millions of yeast you have murdered to make that slice of bread? When will the wholesale genocide end? When is enough for your greed and death machine? Dont you know that energy becomes your energy? I can see the death in your aura.

Q: Recently on a trip to Costa Rica I got a deep scratch which seems to be infected, there are scary red veins running up my legs – Should I go see a doctor?

A: Absolutely not. That’s nothing that teatree Oil won’t clear right up. Simply appy a drop or two to the affected area. An interesting thing about teatree oil: Did you know the AMA – thats the so-called “American Medical Association”… I mean who put these guys in charge anyways… Not me for one man.. no waaaaay man. No fucking way! Well, get this – youre not gonna believe this shit… the AMA refuses to use Teatree oil in hospitals even though its been proven to be highly effective in treating everything. Doesn’t this seem highly suspicious? Let me lay it out for you. You cannot trust your doctor – Hes just a henchman for the pharmaceutical industry whose singular goal is getting you hooked on their drugs which will eventually drain your Chi and leave you an empty husk. The real kicker is that you have to finally pay them to kill you via chemotherapy which will conveniently will cost all of your remaining money. It’s a big elaborate scam for a cure that could easily be provided by a simple regimen of wheatgrass, reiki and some teatree oil.

Q: But I tried that and it didn’t work, I’m a little scared, I think I may be dying.

A: In that case it sounds like you need to read Dr. Timothy Learys’ Tibetean Book of the Dead to guide you through this experience. Have someone read this to you:

O (name of voyager)
The time has come for you to seek new levels of reality.
Your ego and the (name) game are about to cease.
Your are about to be set face to face with the Clear Light
Your are about to experience it in its reality.
In the ego-free state, wherein all things are like the void and cloudless sky,
And the naked spotless intellect is like a transparent vacuum;
At this moment, know yourself and abide in that state.

O (name of voyager),
That which is called ego-death is coming to you.
Remember:
This is now the hour of death and rebirth;
Take advantage of this temporary death to obtain the perfect state -
Enlightenment.
Concentrate on the unity of all living beings.
Hold onto the Clear Light.
Use it to attain understanding and love.

Check out our previous answers to questions:

Ask a Hippie: Is it suitable to eat honey in a vegan diet?

Ask a Hippie: Should I goto the doctor?

Just think of your question and leave a comment on this page and we will see if we can get the hippie to stop eating our food or put the bong down long enough to give an answer.